Before deciding it is time to call it quits, the originator needs to check out a few issues outlined below by a psychologist. The four quadrants are interchangeable and might reflect another quadrant. However, this book is designed to explicitly describe the differences in each quadrant.
An originator has to make sure that most of the following assessments are met before determining that there is no room for reconciliation.
We will briefly look into a few aspects of each issue to determine if it’s time to imitate a divorce.
The first physical issue is when the aggrieved party constantly desires to make excuses whenever it comes to spending time with the spouse. An adage says that no man is an island. This simply means that it will be difficult to find a person who constantly wants to be left alone especially when married. Marriage is usually a union between two people who want to spend their time, resources and life together. Togetherness is the very essence of marriage.
Many people are introverts. They believe that being alone motivates them to accomplish more. This is not a bad trait, however, when a person decides to constantly be alone and does not find happiness in the presence of the partner, it becomes a reason for worry.
The person who desires to be constantly alone might be happy with the arrangement. The unfortunate aspect is that the other partner might not like the “Please, I want to be alone.” The aggrieved partner might be suspicious of what the spouse does when s(he) is alone. This suspicious attitude can make the aggrieved partner begin to imagine things that the partner is not doing. Staying alone can be interpreted as engaging in secret behaviors.
Another physical issue that is predominant is the cessation of arguments. This might sound quite strange. Psychologists, however, have discovered that when partners stop arguing over little or big things, they begin to nurse hatred in their minds. This can be very dangerous. A partner might decide to stop airing his or her views. They may feel they are not being taken seriously or there is no point in trying to make the other partner see sense in the point being made. The partner will become affirmative to almost every sentence using words like “Yes, it is,” “Okay,” “I have heard you.” This makes the house look more like a military class than a home once occupied by two people who were in love with each other.
A spouse that has stopped arguing might be a bomb waiting to explode. Once the explosion happens, nothing can reverse it. The blast might result in packing out of the house immediately or the spouse might physically hit the partner. Other forms of explosion can be an argument that has turned into personal criticism. A partner might use private information shared by the other to accuse him or her of a current behavior or explain why the partner has started behaving like a mad person.
Hitting a partner is a very serious issue and can lead to a divorce. This cannot be overemphasized because it is the second leading reason for break-ups across the world. When a couple talks less and fights more, the chances that they will go their separate ways faster are very high. This is because most law enforcement agencies and social groups have started supporting people especially women who have been physically hit by their partners. It is rare to see a legal case of divorce where the man claims that a woman constantly hit him. Psychologists have explained that it is usually a woman’s nature to nurture, show love and care, no matter the situation they are going through.
Another physical issue is when a partner cannot take advice from their friends and family. This might be considered as a psychological or emotional issue but it is more appropriate to classify it as physical because the exchange of words and actions are sometimes made in this stage. The aggrieved partner might run to friends and family for assistance but the partner refuses any entreaty. The partner might physically abuse the family and friends for trying to get involved in personal matters. This is also seen as a show of pride and arrogance, suggesting that the partner can exercise some form of control on the aggrieved partner and no one but the law can stop it.
Another important physical issue is the abuse of drugs. Excessive drinking that affects the partner is a sign in this stage. It is also dangerous when the partner refuses to get help after recognizing they have a substance abuse problem. Under the influence, the partner can physically and verbally abuse the spouse repeatedly without remembering he or she did it. Constant abuse will result in a call for separation or dissolution. You have to leave in other to live.
The emotional issues that call for divorce will not be exhausted in this book, however, the important ones will be explained. The first emotional issue is that there is no sexual intimacy between the couple. When a partner constantly feels that they are no longer sexually satisfied by their spouse, they gradually desist from intimate physical contact. Although sex is not everything for a married couple, it is nothing as well. When the couple first met each other, sex and all forms of physical contact were the order of the day but gradually, a partner loses interest.
This might be because of stress, inability to communicate, or try new styles, etc. When a married couple can go without sex for days, weeks, months or even years, there are high chances that the relationship is finally over. It is often advised that whenever you notice that your sexual attraction to your partner has rapidly reduced, it is important to go for counseling and discover why it happened or is happening. Physical contact, sex, and intimacy is a strong sign of a healthy marriage. Marriages with little or no sex often make a partner stressed out, angry, resentful, depressed and disrespectful. Most couples may start seeing each other as roommates instead of married people.
Another valid emotional reason is when there is a secret affair going on with the partners. This repeated infidelity or adultery is sometimes without remorse. Many partners frown at infidelity. It is often the number one reason for divorce around the world. Any partner can be sexually attracted to another person whom he or she is not married to. That makes the partner conceal the new relationship.
Infidelity might be when a partner is constantly making passes or plans to have sex with another person. This plan takes away their attention from their family and spouse. There will be constant chats, constant gifts and even a little declaration of love to the person the partner is obsessed with. Often, when confronted by their spouse, excuses will suffice. However, most partners will admit that they have sexual feelings for the new person without being afraid to say so. No partner, be it the husband or the wife, that enters a marriage will entertain competition of any kind especially when it relates to adultery.
Another emotional issue is refusing to pay attention to your spouse’s problems. A spouse might have tried repeatedly to explain what bothers him or her but the partner fails to listen or show empathy. The spouse might want to find a solution elsewhere, thus creating an opportunity to either open up his or her private life to a friend or an office colleague who might exploit the situation and advise for divorce. The spouse might also open up to a stranger who has no necessary expertise and training to counsel on marital issues.
Opening up is not the problem; the trouble is how the spouse will be influenced by the advice of a third party, which could be to become physically abusive or threaten the spouse. The aggrieved spouse might take to the advice and begin to showcase the same at home. A relationship can also leave a person in an emotional state of constant emptiness, creating a feeling that needs to be satisfied by an external factor or person instead of the spouse. These and many more are seen as emotional issues that can cause a partner to initiate a divorce.
It is difficult to survive a relationship when there are harmful psychological issues. These are many but one of the major ones is when a partner imagines being with someone else without feeling they will hurt their spouse in the process. This can be as a result of watching sensitive movies or watching pornography. Watching these can make a person believe that his or her partner lacks sexual prowess.
If sensitive movies must be watched, it is advised that you watch it with your partner to reduce the possibility of having a solo feeling of sexual satisfaction. A partner can also be engrossed with masturbation, leaving him or her in a state of sexual satisfaction devoid of the other party. It is a psychological issue because the partner has tuned his or her mind towards achieving sexual satisfaction alone.
Another aspect of this psychological issue is the desire to cheat. Some partners feel they need to try out sexual satisfaction with other persons to whom they are not married. They think it is time to experience another skin feeling or kiss mostly from a total stranger. This does not mean that they have fallen in love with the new person; it is merely a mental desire for adventure. But chances are that the partner might, after the first attempt at cheating, indulge in it over and over again. He or she will try as much as possible not to have any emotional attachment to the new person. This explains why some men engage prostitutes and women have one-night-stands.
Other psychological issues are when a partner has different opinions about having children. Most marriages survive when the couples have a child to look after and take their minds away from themselves. When a partner doesn’t want to have a child, it is important to know why. For some, the reasons might be because of health challenges, financial burdens or just the fear that they won’t be good parents. It is difficult to find partners who will jointly desire not to have children when everything is okay with them. It is in our nature as human beings to desire to have children. It becomes a psychological issue that causes depression to a partner when the other party feels he or she doesn’t want children. This can lead to a divorce.
Another psychological issue is when a person feels excited at the thoughts of divorce, especially when upset or angry at the actions, behavior, and speeches made by his or her partner. Viewing any single opportunity as an escape route is already a sign that there is an emotional imbalance in the relationship. The partner is also not interested to invest in the survival of the marriage. Such a partner might find it difficult to go for marriage counseling, and if he or she does, it might be fruitless. Another yet is when a partner feels okay to keep secrets from the spouse.
Keeping sensitive matters private can mean that the partner is not interested in talking more with the spouse. Before you became a couple, you would have noticed that talking about everything was what brought you close to your partner. Love is built essentially on communication. The lesser the communication, the lesser the ability to love someone for who they are. Problems are not shared anymore and the home is in absolute silence. This need for communication can make a partner detest being alone with the spouse and look for a way to become separated or divorced.
In the last quadrant, we will look at some sociological issues that can trigger the initiation of a divorce. Scientists have said that human beings are social animals; they will desire to be with people than be alone. Only those with specific health issues will be accustomed to being alone. When partners enjoy the thought of living like singles and not a married men or women, there is a reason to worry. This will affect their mental state and cause them to behave in manners that are not be pleasing to their partners. This will also affect the life, plans, and emotions of their partners.
A constant feeling of happiness when a partner is alone will bring lots of negativity into the marriage. The spouse will start nursing ideas that something is wrong with him or her. These negative thoughts can make someone fall into depression and consider having a divorce. It is also good to note that there are some things you can’t change. A person might discover that he or she feels more attracted sexually to a member of the same sex, making it difficult to stay with the partner. It is sociological and psychological because he or she feels relaxed and tends to share dreams and goals with same-sex friend. Waking up in one day to discover that your partner is gay is very disturbing and can be a reason to let go. You can’t always change your partner’s circle or social status but you can use any of the quadrants above to know when to let go.
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